The Focus Class at my church KCBT (check it out!) had a panel of three guys and three ladies to discuss things that the other sex should know about them. My roommate, Mandy, told me about it because I wouldn’t be there because I’ve never graduated from Jr. High (kidding), and wondered what I thought that guys should know about girls. Now what I’m about to tell you is something that dawned on me the day previous to her asking me this question. Whether or not guys actually need to know this….eh (insert shrug), I’m going to tell it anyway. And if this doesn't apply to you ladies…eh. This is something that I noticed about myself and when I shared it…others had felt the same thing.
True Story: We claim men. In our heads (and eventually in our hearts). Regardless of whether or not they like us, see us, or even know us…we claim them. What does this look like?
Step 1: I like Henry (no, there is no real Henry. I don’t even know a Henry). I see him and think to myself, ‘He is handsome. He is funny. He loves Jesus. He could POSSIBLY be “the One”. I like him.’ I then start to daydream about him. I over analyze possible situations or scenarios (which are pretty much not possible), and start to fall for him. He eventually takes root in my heart . My dear sweet Henry…he is MY dear sweet Henry.
Problem: Said “dear sweet Henry” probably doesn’t even know I exist, and he MORE than likely and importantly, he doesn’t even like me!! I heard Jim Lee say, “You can’t date someone if you are not friends with him. Or if you don’t know to him”.
Step 2: I claim him. Notice “My dear sweet Henry”. Emphasis on ‘my’. In my head and in my heart I have acknowledge him as mine. I have daydreamed him as being mine. So I now hold him in my heart and eyes as one day being mine.
Problem: By claiming Henry in my heart (which is what I’ve just done), he is now like an idol. A desire. An even bigger problem is this: What if he starts dating someone else?
Step 3: Here’s where it gets sticky and tricky and all around no bueno. For some girls, if we like a guy, all we do is claim them in our hearts and heads. We keep it to our selves. But for others, they decide to share their “heart” with other people. “I really like Henry, Betty. I love that he loves the color fuchsia like me. He eats an apple like me. AND he even likes baseball…”
Problem: What happens when we tell someone this: that person recognizes that you like that guy, and then because you’re friends (and being your friend is more important than any guy could be), they won’t like or date them.
((Now, I realize that I’m going to the extreme when it come to this scenario. Welcome to my brain. I go to the extreme (at least in my head).))
So now that Betty knows that I like Henry, Henry is safe from Betty (because Betty is my friend and she would NEVER agree to date or like a guy that I like), or at least I think he is. But what if...what if he asks HER out?? She needs to ask my permission?? Hecks no.
All this “liking” and “claiming” is going on inside my head, while Henry has no clue that I like him, does not mean he is mine to claim. It doesn't mean that other girls can't like him, and that he can't like other girls.
(I could go on about this but I feel like I’m beating a rug here.)
I used to claim a guy in my head. Say I like him, like him, and give my heart away. When he would start dating a girl (that was obviously not me), my heart would be semi-crushed. WHY!?!? Why do we claim people? If we tell a friend we like someone, and then they end up dating that same guy, why do we feel betrayed? I never had a “claim” on that guy. There’s no reason I should be upset when that guy doesn’t like me. It’s just…ridiculous. Another way the enemy causes rifts and division among people.
I’m learning not to claim things. Not just boys, but friendships, jobs, position, material things, etc. It a type of pride. An idol. Unless it’s Jesus, I’m leaving it alone until it’s given to me. I can’t keep giving my heart away to these things and be surprised when my heart comes back bruised and beaten when I haven’t guarded it.
I hope this makes sense and I don’t seem shallow. So the secret, my secret: Once upon a time I would claim a guy as my own without his knowledge, but now… I refuse to.
