I've been learning to be content and comfortably uncomfortable. All the walls that I built for years to keep myself safe from hurt and pain have pretty much collapsed on top of me.
When we started the SOT study in Psalm 119, I was pushed to seek the Lord, instead of just pulling information out of my memory (which tends to have significant holes in it). I was forced to get in the Word daily. I didn't want anyone to think that I wasn't getting "a word from the Lord" on a regular basis, but I wasn't fooling anyone. Those closest to me knew something wasn't right. The truth: I was a faker and a poser that was tried of playing the game that I had created.
In October during one of our break out sessions in SOT, I realized as I spoke to the women around me that I had quit. After digging and scraping all the junk that I had piled on my heart to hid the real issues, I realized that I had given up on everything. I had quit trusting, moving, growing, even having faith that there was a plan, a purpose, for my life.
Oh I believed that there was hope for others, but not for myself. I believed a lie. The turning point in the chaotic reasoning was being told by one of my closest friends that they weren't going to let me give up. She told me that I was effecting people around me. She was bold and angry (with me). She was fighting for me. What a wondrous and empowering thing to have; a friend that fights for you.
How silly I feel right now as I type this. I was in such a pathetic place of defeat. I was a soldier laying on the ground, giving up, while those around me fought. I think I was allowed to sink to that place of defeat so that it was someone else picking me up instead of relying on myself to do it. I needed a hero.
I heard the knock. After years of hearing, but ignoring the person knocking on the door of my broken heart, I finally gave in. I undid the locks, opened the door. He walked in and made it home once again.
I used to not trust anyone. I never was consistent in reading the Bible and knowing what it says. I had a negative confidence in myself; I thought I would never be able to succeed or be anything more than a nobody. I didn't know what it meant to seek the Lord. I was in a constant state of fear. Fear of failure, fear of being alone, fear of not being of use. I was afraid that I had already messed up too much and that I had to suffer through the rest of my life as nothing. But those fears are gone, and those that aren't are being dealt with.
I am a new woman with a renewed life. I'm fighting for what He has for me.
So! After all that mess, here's some food for encouragement. Victoriousness....esssessess:
- I lost 40 lbs this past year.
- I can run 2 miles without stopping
- I've not read a fiction book in about 4 months.
- I have a serious desire to KNOW what the Bible says and to read it.
- I have some of the best friends in the world that I'm continually growing closer with.
- I paid off my credit card.
Now here are few things that I would like to tackle this year:
- Finish a non-fiction book (preferably something that would benefit my spiritual growth)
- Read the Bible through completely.
- Pay off my medical bills.
- Start using my Spanish frequently and learn more sign language.
- Figure out what I truly want in my life.
- Develop my listening and attention skills (or lack thereof)
- Loose 40 more lbs
- Go to Hawaii. :-D
Until next time...
